I know that the Independence Day, 4th of July celebration was last weekend but as I celebrated the 4th of July with my family, I couldn't help but wonder how many people are really free in their relationship.  If you are in a relationship are you free to be yourself - the good, the bad and the ugly?  Or, do you find yourself constantly trying to please your partner but never quite measuring up?  Here are some questions to ask yourself to gauge your level of independence in your relationship:

1. Does my partner start arguments and I find myself apologizing for ...<< MORE >>

After this teleseminar you will know what goes on inside of a man's head. If you are tired of getting played, abused, tricked and deceived, tune in.<< MORE >>

Carmin Wharton is
The Relationship Teacher and offers these ‘lessons’ on dating for the single
mom:

• Make Your Happiness A Priority: Children who are forced to live with a love sick and miserable mom
  are a sad lot.  There is absolutely
  nothing wrong with a single mother having a love life.  Know that you are not to feel guilty
  about wanting to spend time in the company of a man.  Understand this:  your children will not need you ...<< MORE >>

Okay, my plan was to write an article weighing the pros and cons of dating a colleague – a co-worker. Well, politicians have managed to take this issue to an unprecedented level! No, I’m not talking about Eliot Spitzer. I am talking about Spitzer’s successor, David Patterson, and the mayor of Detroit, Michigan – Kwame Kilpatrick. What in the heck is going on?!

 

Patterson and his wife have admitted to having affairs during “a rocky time in our marriage.” After Patterson was sworn in, he ...

<< MORE >>

Whether you realize it or not, fathers play a crucial role in their daughters’ future relationships with men in two ways.  First, whether he was a great father or a not so great father, women tend to be drawn to men who are most like their father.  If he was a not so great dad, that presents a problem.  If he was a great dad, his daughter is truly blessed. Second, the example a woman’s father exemplified as she was growing up, showed her just what she can and should expect from a man.  Again, if he was a not so great dad, she may expect less than she deserves.  If he was a great father, more than likely she won’t settle for less than she deserves.

I'll use my story as an example. I grew up in a household with a father who was emotionally distant and secretive. During my childhood, even though my mother took me and my brother on many vacations, my father accompanied us on only one vacation trip.  My father was an immigrant and prided himself in being different.   My father was a business owner and my mother was an elementary school principal, so because of schedule conflicts, we never ate dinner together as a family during the week.  My father would make an effort to be at home with us on Sunday evenings to watch Bonanza, the popular western television show.   I remember being very uncomfortable that my dad was different.   For Valentine’s Day, my dad would buy me and my mom those huge gaudy heart-shaped boxes of candy but – he gave us the candy the day after Valentine’s Day because the candy was being sold at the drug store 50% off or more.  I was always mortified by this.

Looking back on my first marriage I see that I got married partially as an attempt to leave home and start a ‘normal’ family life of my own. I married two more times (three altogether) and in retrospect I know that each man that I married and many men that I dated were unavailable in some crucial way.  My first husband was emotionally unavailable and borderline cruel.  The second husband was unavailable on so many levels; his middle name was infidelity.  The third husband was emotionally unavailable and secretive.   By continuously getting married, I kept looking for the normal, traditional family. What I didn’t realize is that even though “traditional” families may exist on the surface, there is not “normal” family.  Every family has some type of dysfunction.  What I should have realized and thank goodness, did eventually realize is that I continued to attract men with undesirable traits my father possessed.  Then, I developed a penchant for men who were much older than I – by at least 20 years.  I kept looking for my father.  I learned a lot from these men; many of the things I learned from them should have been taught to me by my dad.  These relationships were also wrought with pain because they were not my dad; they were relationship partners and a relationship partner does not make a good father figure (smile).

   
My father made his transition nearly five years ago and after he passed on, I was able to reflect upon the deep love he did have for me and my family.  He showed love in his own special ways.  Christmas morning in our house looked like a Toys ‘R Us store he decorated our house from top to bottom and even piped Christmas music out of the attic for the entire neighborhood to enjoy!  He made a big deal out of family birthday parties; very often I had two cakes – one he’d purchased and one my mom had purchased.  I miss him; my entire family does. For all of us idiosyncrasies, we miss his presence – his essence.  However, a girl needs more than Christmas traditions and birthday presents to know that she is valued by the first man in her life.  She needs to be told that she is beautiful and loveable even when she does not have a romantic partner.  She needs to be told she can be and do anything she wants and that she can be and do it successfully.  She needs to be taught the ropes regarding dishonesty from men.  By his living example, a woman will know a good man when she meets him.  She will know because she lived with one as she grew up.

In summary, our fathers are the first experience we have of what it feels like to be loved by a man. This relationship is bound to affect our future dealings with men.

 
You are free to reprint this article as long as the article is copied in its entirety and the following byline is included in its entirety.

About Carmin Wharton

Carmin Wharton is a relationship coach, professional speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces; a book which focuses on the pitfalls many women encounter while seeking a loving romantic relationship.  Carmin uses personal, gritty, and sometimes heart-wrenching accounts of her relationships with men to show that each relationship teaches us a valuable life lesson.   Each failed relationship, no matter how badly it ended, leaves us with a gift.  She asserts that everything that we need to know about anything is found in God’s Word – the Bible; applicable scripture, the ‘Lesson In-Depth’ and the relationship’s ‘Gift’ is included at the end of every chapter.

        

To help you sort out what you desire in a mate and a relationship, try this.  Get a sheet of paper and draw vertical lines so that you end up with 3 columns.  List these as categories over each column:

Ideal

Realistic

Minimum

In each column list your requirements for a mate. Then underneath that list, write your requirements for a relationship – there is a difference.  I’ll use myself as an example.

1) Those that are your ideal.  My ideal relationship would be with someone who has their own business.  My ideal mate would be deeply spiritual with chiseled abs (okay let me dream already).

2) Those that represent a realistic target.  My realistic relationship is one in which the man is employed but is aspiring to be an entrepreneur.  My realistic mate would believe and God, working on deep spirituality and he may have a little more to love around the tummy (I certainly do).

3) Those that are the minimum.  My minimum relationship would be with someone who works.  Period.  My minimum mate would be someone who believes that God exists and would be rail thin (I don’t care for thin men but a grossly overweight man just won’t cut it for me.)

        

As you've all probably heard by now, the governor of New York, Eliot Switzer has been linked and all but admitted to participating in a prostitution ring.  It is sickening to view another press conference where a high profile politician is standing before the world admitting that he has committed, in my opinion, one of the most degrading crimes against a marriage and that is adultery.  No one knows what really goes on in a marital relationship but from the look of utter pain and great physical and mental distress on Switzer's wife, Silda's face, one can only imagine the thoughts this woman is having.  She has to make one of the biggest decisions of her adult life - should she stay or should she leave.  I offer the following advice to Silda and any other woman, or man for that matter, who has experienced this ultimate act of betrayal in a marriage:

Please feel free to use this article in your newsletter, e-zine or blog. However, the byline below must be included in its entirety. 

 
About Carmin Wharton

Carmin Wharton is a relationship coach, professional speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces; a book which focuses on the pitfalls many women encounter while seeking a loving romantic relationship.  Carmin uses personal, gritty, and sometimes heart-wrenching accounts of her relationships with men to show that each relationship teaches us a valuable life lesson.   Each failed relationship, no matter how badly it ended, leaves us with a gift.  She asserts that everything that we need to know about anything is found in God’s Word – the Bible; applicable scripture, the ‘Lesson In-Depth’ and the relationship’s ‘Gift’ is included at the end of every chapter.  She is also the Founder of e-BlackWomenNetwork.com; an online networking community for women of color.

        

Below is an actual email I received from a subscriber and my response follows:

Ok.  I know we are not supposed to group all people into categories but... Why is it so hard for a black woman to have a relationship with a successful black man?  I have a friend who met this successful man recently.  He is a former NFL Giants football player, who, after playing football went back to school to obtain his Masters in Computer Technology and is now an IT Executive for a local firm.  This guy is 6' 4" fine, and can bench 270 lbs easily.  At his prime he was benching around 365 lbs.

His family lives in Miami but is originally from the Bahamas.  His brother is currently an Assistant Head Coach for a major NFL team and is on his way to becoming the next head black football coach in the NFL.  Upon her first conversations with this man, my friend finds out that he is divorced but used to own a nice home in Miami.  Now, he is ready to buy a new home and is looking for someone to share the home with that he will buy.  Given that he has a lot of capital from his days in the NFL and from his extensive salary right now, one day he also wants to open his own IT business, maybe in Atlanta.  Sound great right???? Ok.  Well, come to find out, this picture has some serious flaws/flags:  1)  Upon deep discussion with this man, he says he "has no religion" and believes in some "scientific creation theory."  This is the second story I have heard about someone finding a successful black man only to find out that this man does not believe in our Lord and Savior. 2)  After only knowing each other for a week or so, this man asked my friend "did you mention me to your family yet?" and, "Can I call you my girlfriend?"  He also tries to dominate by "deciding" for her what she should eat when they go out to dinner.  3) And, the worst part: he jumps on the bandwagon about how hard it is to find a black woman who is not going to try to use him financially.  Yes, we are independent black women but I would think that every woman wants to be treated nicely and wined and dined every once and a while without having to go through a "golddigger" guilt trip.  When a black woman wants to be treated well, she is a gold digger.  When a white woman wants to be taken care of, she is
marriage material.  Comments?

A couple of weeks ago, I hosted a free teleseminar and the title was "Meeting
Your Mate."  Before I began my presentation I emphatically stated "If you
get nothing else from this teleseminar, please get this:  Get clear about
who you are and what you want."  The first thing your friend must do is to
get clear about who she is and what she wants in a mate and every other area of her life.

Everything mentioned in the description of this man, i.e. former NFL
player, wealthy, fine, amount of weight he can bench press, etc., is
everything your friend should not be focusing on.  During the
aforementioned teleseminar I outlined several steps one must go through to
attract the mate that is perfect for them.  One of the steps is:  decide
who it is that you are looking for in a mate.  This does not mean that you
are looking for a retired NFL player with gobs of money and a fine body.
Who is your friend looking for on the inside?  For example, is she looking
for a man who is spiritual, compassionate, and self-confident?  What
decide upon.

Now, let me address each of your 3 points of concern.

1) Regarding his non-Christian beliefs, this is one character or personality trait that should be non-negotiable for anyone.  If she is a Christian and embraces the teachings of Jesus Christ, I hope she is already out of this relationship.

2) His being anxious to know if your friend is his girlfriend yet or if she has shared information about him to her family is not necessarily a bad thing.  This could mean 1 of 2 things:  he is sincere about his interest to build a solid relationship with her or he could be moving too fast because he is unsuitable relationship material.  She will have to take his other behavior into account to decide which one.  I'm leaning toward he is unsuitable relationship material.  The second statement in #2 is troubling. I am assuming your friend is an adult of legal voting age.  Therefore, she does not need nor should she tolerate a man who tries to select food for her in a restaurant.  She desires a mate, not a caretaker or father. It is my experience that this type of behavior is what a man exhibits at the beginning of a relationship when he is trying to establish control and dominance.  In my book, Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces, I share that my first husband exhibited this type of behavior and eventually, he became abusive in many other ways.  Even though I was 97 pounds wet, if I were not eating a piece of fruit, whatever I held in my hand to eat, he knocked to the ground, in public or at home.  Then he decided that "hot food gives one bad breath" so he asked that I serve him his food at room temperature.  The next thing was he demanded that I eat my food at room temperature as well.  He loved liver; I hate liver.  At first it was alright to cook it just for him  a couple of times a week; then he demanded that I eat liver as well.  The abuse escalated from there.

3) Again, his comments about black women trying to use him financially is an effort to establish control and dominance.  This man engages in mind warfare.  He makes this comment so that she will be afraid to ever ask him for any assistance financially, even if she were to start living with, or marry him.  If she felt insulted when he made this statement, she should have.  This type of talk and behavior should not be tolerated.

My opinion:  dump him - now.

        

I bet you are wondering what in the world Cuba's Castro and Russia's Putin regimes have to do with a discussion on relationships; plenty.    During last night's debate, news anchor and author, Tim Russert asked the candidates what they knew (if anything) about the man who is to replace Vladimir Putin as president of Russia.  In fact, he even asked what the prospective new president's name was and it took Hillary Clinton a minute but she attempted a phonetic pronunciation of the man's name.  Even if the candidates where not sure of the man's name, the were both sure of this:  the leopard seems to have changed his spots because of a change in presidents but not really.  Putin will how be Prime Minister and this new guy will follow his orders.  So, Russia will have more of the same leadership.  

This is a good civic and social studies lesson and it's also a good relationship lesson.  If an adult of reasonable age, intellect and common sense, has formerly been in a relationship with someone who mistreated them and then had the wisdom to leave, why would they return?    

The Cuban people are experiencing the same type of switch-o-matic politics; Fidel's brother, Raul is replacing him.  What's the difference?  Another leopard with spots; maybe the spots are in different places but they are spots. 

Perhaps it's not the same person that one re-enters into relationship with but rather someone with the same character and personality type.  Bad idea.  The face may be different but the inner person is the same type of person.   That type of person is not good for you. 

If you find that you consistently attract or are attracted to relationship partners who are abusive, emotionally unavailable, dishonest, or who possesses any other undesirable trait, ask yourself why.   Until you find out why you are attracted to or either attract people that do not treat you well, you will continue to experience the same type of self-esteem eroding relationships. 

I don't know the age of the man who is to replace Vladimir Putin as president of Russia but I do know that Raul is the Castro 'baby' since at 76 he is five years younger than his 'big' brother Fidel.   Perhaps the Cuban people won't have to endure this particular leopard (Raul) as long as they had to endure the older leopard (Fidel); at 76 Raul is no baby.    You, on the other hand, can stop the relationship merry-go-round whenever you decide that you deserve better.

You are free to reprint this article as long as the article is copied in its entirety and the following byline is included in its entirety.

 About Carmin Wharton

Carmin Wharton is a relationship coach, professional speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces; a book which focuses on the pitfalls many women encounter while seeking a loving romantic relationship.  Carmin uses personal, gritty, and sometimes heart-wrenching accounts of her relationships with men to show that each relationship teaches us a valuable life lesson.   Each failed relationship, no matter how badly it ended, leaves us with a gift.  She asserts that everything that we need to know about anything is found in God’s Word – the Bible; applicable scripture, the ‘Lesson In-Depth’ and the relationship’s ‘Gift’ is included at the end of every chapter.  She is also the Founder of e-BlackWomenNetwork.com; an online networking community for women of color.

To learn more about how you can book Carmin to speak, network with her, or to learn more about the book, log onto www.carminwharton.com or www.lovelessonslearned.com.

        

Ladies, have you ever wondered why you are attracted to some guys? 

Guys, have you ever wondered why there are just some guys who women seem to be attracted to?  Hopefully, you are this guy but if not . . .

For the most part, women can’t explain it, can’t fathom it but there is something about this guy that excites you!  I’m not necessarily speaking of sexual attraction either.    What I am speaking of is a man who just absolutely captivates you because of the way he carries himself.  Take a look around, this guy could be co-worker who may be married or involved in a long-term relationship but female co-workers like to go to lunch with him, take breaks with him, converse with him—just be in his presence.

Now this is not the ego-driven, boastful guy who has a swagger about him—nooooo.  The man I’m talking about is the guy who carries himself with a quiet self-confidence.  He’s not out to prove anything to anybody and he is oh so comfortable in his own skin.  Charisma and magnetism seep from his pores. 

Once I learned that a phrase had been coined to describe this type of guy, I eased up on myself a bit about past relationship choices.  In retrospect, I now know that some of the characters featured in my book, Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces were alpha males and that is why I was attracted to them!  Alpha men come in all ages, sizes and colors.  I also understand this is why I have been involved in certain platonic relationships with men.  These guys have got it goin on!

You know that you are in the presence of an alpha male because you become intensely aware of yourself as a woman; you feel keenly alive around this guy.  You’re probably embarrassed to admit it, but this is the guy you make up excuses to seek out even if there is no possibility of or desire for an intimate relationship with him.

Another thing about an alpha male is that they are typically a man’s man—assertive, tough and no nonsense when they have to be but, they have a heart of gold and can be as tender as a lamb, particularly when it comes to women and children.  You will never hear this guy berate women in any way, shape, or form; even if he’s been mishandled or abused in a former relationship. This is the guy who would never hit a woman even if he’s provoked to do so. 

The Alpha Male is the guy who may walk into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  But, for however long he’s in your life, you will never forget him.

Please feel free to use this article in your newsletter, e-zine or blog. However, the byline below must be included in its entirety. 

About Carmin Wharton

Carmin Wharton is a relationship coach, professional speaker, entrepreneur, and the author of Lessons Learned:  While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces; a book which focuses on the pitfalls many women encounter while seeking a loving romantic relationship.  Carmin uses personal, gritty, and sometimes heart-wrenching accounts of her relationships with men to show that each relationship teaches us a valuable life lesson.   Each failed relationship, no matter how badly it ended, leaves us with a gift.  She asserts that everything that we need to know about anything is found in God’s Word – the Bible; applicable scripture, the ‘Lesson In-Depth’ and the relationship’s ‘Gift’ is included at the end of every chapter.  She is also the Founder of e-BlackWomenNetwork.com; an online networking community for women of color.  To learn more about how you can book Carmin to speak, network with her, or to learn more about the book, log onto www.carminwharton.com or www.lovelessonslearned.com.